Where have you been? Where are you going? And why?
February 14, 2010Posted by on
Let me preface this entry with this: I don’t consult the product websites before the purchase of deodorant. Although I do use Old Spice, I feel no responsibility to endorse their product, though I would if they ever contacted my phantom agent. Earlier today, somewhere between feeding time and bath time and nap time, I browsed ESPN.com and came across this advertisement from Old Spice. It seems they’ve rejuvenated their marketing and now promote themselves with masculine bravado. Same as Axe, except selling to men past puberty and with the addition of humor. I couldn’t stop reading through these:
Don’t smell like sunsets and baby powder. Smell like jet fighters and punching.
Give your armpits a victory parade. The triumphant scent of Game Day runs a half-back split straight up a woman’s nose. We designed it this way because if you look at a lady’s head, her nose is closest to her brain where her decision to date you is made.
Yes, the name is redundant, but that’s the point. Endurance. Long lasting. Stick. We practically threw every word that means stamina into this thing’s name because it works. It provides odor protection all day long, and beyond. Even if you lit yourself on fire and stood in the blast radius of a nuclear bomb, this stuff would not stop working.
Enter a world where odor doesn’t stand a chance. The Red Zone is a bleak, maze-like environment where lasers fire in random directions and the sky is always filled with lightning. Odor never dares enter the Red Zone. The Old Spice man, on the other hand, flourishes in the Red Zone, throwing touchdowns, doing recon and saving females from danger, all while smelling great.
Features a controlled scent release through the day and night, like one of those scent things you plug into the wall. Only this “plugs” into your armpits.
Old Spice Fresh Deodorant is for the man who, at sunrise, fixes himself a plate of hot asphalt and a short-stack of burning rubber and washes it all down with a tall glass of engine exhaust milked from a V8 big block. Refreshed and smelling great, the Old Spice man has the day at his mercy.
There are three known levels of dirt and odor. There’s thermospheric odor, which can be detected by those in close proximity to you, such as subway riders or your fellow tank commander. Next is stratospheric odor that only you can smell. Finally, microscopic beings that live on your body emit dirt and odor before laying their horrible eggs into your skin and spawning an unholy ecosystem. High Endurance Body Wash helps get rid of all this.
Do you have hair? Do you have a body? Gentlemen, these are important questions. If the answer is yes to either or both, then let’s do business. The cleansing lather blasts away dirt and odor, and the scent settles over your body the way fog rests in a valley, letting the animals procreate without our knowledge. If for some reason you don’t have hair or a body, we are working on a body wash that’s right for you.
Use Red Zone Body Wash Double Impact while eating a tomato with a spork. All in one fell swoop, you’ve eaten a fruit and a vegetable using a fork and a spoon as you hydrate and clean your skin. Let’s count that…1, 3, 4…you’ve done six things. At that point you’ve done enough work for the day and can take a nap.
Man has come up with his best ideas in the shower. If only man had showered more, we’d have hoverboards, an escalator to space and a mind-controlled television. This classic Old Spice scented body wash is designed to invigorate the mind and cleanse the body. So take a long and thoughtful shower, and bring humanity one step closer to a gas-powered toothbrush.
The Old Spice man often appears invisible due to his incredible speed. When the average man passes the starting line, the Old Spice man has already won and, with fresh pits, headed home, hand-dug an inground pool and filled it with the tears of his opponents.
Old Spice Cologne has been around for generations. If your grandfather hadn’t worn it, you wouldn’t exist. Neither would velvet paintings, the chili dog and sheepskin rugs — manly things that were made by men who smelled strong and splashed Old Spice cologne on their faces before doing other manly stuff during their day.