Where have you been? Where are you going? And why?
Update #7: Heart Check
August 15, 2007Posted by on
Tonight is simply a heart check. There hasn’t been much news. Still calling doctors. Still making connections. I could possibly be heading down to Houston for second opinions. We’ll see.
My stress level has been high, even when I don’t realize it. It’s almost as if the state of life right now has reached normalcy. I know, hard to believe. But it’s true on some level. My little sister commented, wondering if Shan and I ever do anything normal. As if to answer the question, our water heater broke this week. Shannon and I took cold showers, leading us to check the water heater, which was spewing water everywhere. It needed replacing. I was painting with my good friend Tyler later that day. He honored me by requesting permission to ask a personal question. Once permitted, he shared his heart, “Luke, after your water heater crashed this morning, I began wondering what God is doing with you. Do you ever wonder that?”
It actually caught me by surprise. No wonder life had become “normal”. I had forgotten to ask that question. Perhaps God allowed the water heater to break simply so that I would dialogue with Him again. In the midst of dealing with surgery, cancer, doctors, phone calls, starting work, packing the old house, painting the new house, and trying to relate to my wife…all of that became normal and I stopped relating to God.
I should elaborate a bit more. It became ordinary on the outside. On the inside I’m actually a slowly building flame of gas with a box of fireworks nearby. Whenever the wind slightly blows, a couple M-90’s explode. Anger has been my first reaction to most things. Small things. A CD with x-rays didn’t properly get sent from one hospital to another. I was furious, ready to take it out on anyone. We have to make a trip to the new house to drop some clothes off. More M-90’s with some bottle rockets mixed in.
It’s actually good to write this. It helps me to stop and think. And breathe. And maybe give up a little so God’s knocks on my door can be answered. I want to be lighter, more free, and more loving. But this is where I am now. Pray that the 4th of July doesn’t last long in me. For my sake and the people’s around me.